Robot Face

Marvel Cash

2008-04-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

Next weekend is the New York Comic Con. I've never been to one before but being so close to New York I figure why not right? I call up a buddy up and ask if he wants to go and then looked about getting some tickets. Kinda pricey. Not totally unbearable but for those of us living paycheck to paycheck, that's Saturday Night expensive. I started thinking about all the other things the amount of dough it costs for a weekend pass could get me. In comic book terms that's almost three week's worth of books. And I buy a lot of books. So to get into this comic book convention I would need to spend the money it takes for me to afford three weeks worth of comic books. That seems weird to me.

Go and see a bunch of stuff for two days or get three weeks worth of books? Seems like if I'm going to the well for some new books every week there should be some middle ground. Some thank you by the publisher. So what's a good example?

Well..my family are smokers, some members don't indulge anymore but when they all did besides a grey blue haze over eveything there were a lot of these little gems of sub-textual marketing genius laying about everywhere

Look at my nose kids..
NOW KILL FOR JOE CAMEL!!
KILL!!!!!

Smoking's gross but this was a great marketing campaign. I distinctly remember watching the adults around me pocketing these off the back of a fresh pack before ripping the cellophane off with no shame. And why not? Smoke 10,000 packs and you can get a tent. Smoke 50,000 and you can get a kayak, which God knows anyone thats smoked a million cigarettes to get would appreciate the hell out of. Hey snazzy kayak Todd! *pressing microphone to his neck* THANKS BILL. I LOVE IT.

Well I don't smoke cigarettes. I read comic books and for the amount of dough I spend where's my kayak? To my surprise, just as I was enjoying Marvel-Two-In-One #4, I found snuggled between Captain America's startling insight

That's very good Steve now point
to your bellybutton...now point
to your nose...

and slightly unsettling advertisements

(actual text) RAQUEL WELCH PILLOW
What man wouldn't enjoy spending a night
with Raquel Welch? Well we can't deliver her
but we can deliver the next best thing....Keep
her for yourself or show her off to your friends!

a hidden gem from 1974 Marvel's Murky Past!

Laugh all you want, I'd like
to see you sleep standing up
for fear of your life!

How cool! In flipping through the book again I noticed a couple of these things all through it. A Marvel Value Stamp. The infant version of Camel Cash wouldn't get you a customed Fantasti-car or Cap's Sheild but if you sent in this SPECIAL COUPON

YOU GOT A ...stampbook. Huh? But these aren't stamps? They're parts of the actual comic that you're telling me to cut up. Just WHAT in God's name would be worth allowing sheers to snippet my copy of Marvel Two-In-One # 4? Oh, you mean if I bring this stamp book to one of these new thing's called comic book conventions I can get in free?

I apologize for there being no boobs in this panel

Now that is smart! Participation and returns. Thank you Marvel, that is such a nice idea, I'd love to go to your convention now. Oh..you mean you don't do it anymore? And that, oddly enough, the resale value of a cut up comic book is surprisingly low.

Heavy Sigh.

It's not surprising I guess. In 1974 how were they to know that comic books would be a multi million dollar enterprise spanning multiple entertainment genres and vehicles. For that matter how were shoe companies supposed to know that they had a drug addicted murderer endorsing their products

See? Even the kids are saying he did it.

So I don't know, as they say, should I stay or should I go. I'll make my mind up the closer the deadline gets but if fate had not thrust this quandary upon me, I never would have signed up for Jerek Jensen's Detroit run Karate-Judo-Jui-Jitsu-Savate Total Self-Defense System!

Did you know they want $150
for the registration fee? And that's
before you pay for the license.

Holla!

How I Foxed The Navy

2008-04-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

I miss Captain America. I know there's a new one running around with the Puerto Rican flag on his chest but growing up there was nothing better than cracking open the latest adventure of the liberal, comic artist by day, open-minded leftist juiced on government funded steroids named Steve Rogers. Before he met his maker last year Mr. Rogers had a long and industrious career including punching Hitler in the face, strangling Fu Manchu, and hanging out with a young boy who became his best friend and confidant after walking in on him changing. Cap's been around since the 1940's and seen and done a lot but between the end of World War II and being thawed out in a weapons manufacturer's private sub in the arctic there exists an unknown and unsung period in our heroes' illustrious career where the Sentinel of Liberty went under the moniker of

I've asked myself that question almost everyday
and I've decided quite a lot actually.

This was an interesting period for Steve and his non-adopted live-in young confidant Bucky. The Allies won the war, Ike was in office, and the writers seemed to have no idea what to do with ol' Cap. Adopting the fashionable alter-ego disguise of a pair of useless glasses Steve spent a lot of time twiddling his thumbs and brushing up on his reading

Now a civilian Steve decided to take his freedom fists to the public school system. Never scared to demonstrate what millions of dollars in biological research and a few Congress supported steroid injections of 'vita-rays' later can do, Cap shows America's youth what spit-baller's in the classroom can look forward to

We only had to tear computer paper in the
hallway when we acted up in grade school, maybe
that's why I'm part of a generation of Nancys!

Geez Cap, it was just a spit-ball. Seems a little harsh but then again life was different back then. The war may have been over but the Cold War was in full swing and even though we rally about violence in media today, kids in the 1950's were hardcore! Maybe a five fingered clap on the rump was what they needed, I mean just look at their toys

"You'll shoot your eye out.."

But at least mother nature had a wicked sense of humor even then. I will say I appreciate the honesty though

Hey Tom, how come no one likes my family?
Probably because you're all so fucking ugly Jim.

But I digress. As much as we talk about teenage illiteracy today and the dumbing down of America, at least we're a dumb America with high school diplomas for the most part. When I see Navy ad's on T.V. I kind of take it for granted that the people firing the missiles within the submarine do not have to take their shoes off too count to ten. I also can't imagine a time when the military would take in a recruit that had no concept of simple arithmetic but in 1950's America the Navy gave you two choices: Learn basic Math or get to bumming Chesterfields punk!

Now just imagine Keith David's voice reading this.

Apparently this was a huge problem. After an exciting summer war job I guess a lot of kids didn't want to continue their academic careers. Of course when you have teachers ready to bend you over their knee in front of the rest of your class for a spit-ball maybe the War Department had to step in

Fun fact: H. H. Arnold commanded the Air Force through
World War II, was one of the first fighter pilots in history, and
was instructed on how to fly by the Wright Brothers at their
aviation school in Simms Station, Ohio!

Seems like a whole different world doesn't it? A crumbling public school system, children with short attention spans, young boys living with confirmed bachelors, and violence marketed towards the youth. This isn't my America is it? Oh! Wait! Seems people were just as vacuous and superficial then, thank God!

Hexitol= sugar, alcohol, glucose, and mannitol- a
blood thinner used to tear down the layer of blood
vessels protecting your brain. Sure it'll probably
cause a stroke but you'll look awesome!

And first place goes too...

I..I..
I got nothing.

Yeah, it was a different world then definitely. One filled with an unseen terror from across the ocean and a crumbling national infrastructure full of citizens avoiding themselves and their faults. I'm just glad we were lucky enough to have Cap around then to whip these Chesterfield bumming punks into shape. And though he may be be gone for now, luckily his legacy can be carried on by the young man he helped rear into adulthood. Despite having watched him seemingly die on a bi plane before the Communists captured him and brainwashed him into an assassin for the Iron Curtain. But hey, nobody, not even Commie Smashing Cap is perfect. Right?

You got it. Thanks for stopping by!

Reading Comics So You Don't Have To #1: Tales To Astonish #40

2008-04-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

1963. France and Germany sign the Elysee Treaty paving the road toward cooperation and a European Union. Female suffrage gets enacted in Iran for the first time. In the United States the Supreme Court rules for the Gideon versus Wainwright case that all citizens are guaranteed a lawyer even if they cannot afford one. President Kennedy is cut down by a sniper's bullet in Dallas, Texas before then-President Johnson immediately confirms America's further presence in Vietnam. And in Geneva a mechanical genius received the International Society of Physicists' medal of honor at a scientific conference

Professor Orange Suit was embittered that his research in macro-transistors was not considered.

This is Tony Stark. He's the bee's knee's basically. He's super rich from all his inventions that he thought up outta thin air 'cuz he's wicked smart AND he has an incredible fashion sense to boot

Orange was very "in" in 1963

Ergo, between winning major awards in Geneva or taking time out to help America's Cold War struggle against the Communist Menace

"News On The March! The 3rd Rolling Skating battalion glided their way over the pinko commies today, Uncle Sam's Rolling Renegades as they're known on the battlefield secured The Demilitarized Zone in a blur of motion and interpretive skate! Way to go boys! That'll make lady liberty proud!"*

He is quite successful with the ladies

Come to think of it purple
was very "in" as well

But that's not all. After getting a piece of shrapnel shoved through his chest, past his breastbone and ribs, and into the lining of his heart after tripping one of his own land mines in Vietnam Stark was able to craft a makeshift defibrillator out of sheet metal and bamboo while a prisoner in a Vietnamese prison camp. Needing the defibrillator in his breastplate to survive, he made lemonade out of lemons and built a super-hero suit around it just cuz he could. After escaping back to the states he started playing super-hero under the name Iron Man. Confirming how necessity is the mother of invention Stark was able to make a pretty kick-ass suit of armor while a prisoner. It's bulletproof

Apparently there was a huge goons
hanging out in public parks problem
back in the day

Lion-proof

Super strong and crazy scientist proof

And can do the Macarena

Que tu cuerpo es pa darle...Alegria y cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo....Alegria Macarena
Eh, Macarena!

But unlike his rather fashionable alter-ego, peeps in 1963 were just not feeling the Armored Avengers current look

Here he is saving circuses from escaped lions and evil shrinking rays and even his own girlfriend calls him out

But Stark is a genius remember so he tapped the most reliable and renewable resource on this planet: women's ability to figure out attractive appearances. Five coats and a thorough waxing later and the Grey Avenger was now the Golden Guardian

He's got a little iron mini-skirt on. Butch!

And that pretty much brings you up too speed. But while Cleopatra and The Nutty Professor were topping the box office a lot of people don't realize that Tony Stark single handedly saved mankind while on a business trip to Granville, Ohio. After finding out that all air travel in and out of Granville has been grounded Stark does a quick change and learns an important lesson on where civic capabilities stop and just where he comes in

I seem to recall FEMA using this same excuse

Never one to sit still, Tony's made a few improvements to the suit he crafted while in a mud prison with blow torches and sheet metal, like incorporating the world's smallest yet most thorough collapsible drillbit into his gloves pointer finger- just in case he ever had to burrow under walls erected around an entire Midwest city

Yet when he finally arrives a chilling scene unfolds. What once was a teaming industry town is now a bewildering allegory for communism full of townfolk chanting just one word, "Gargantus!"

And just what are they praying to? A GIANT STONE NEANDERTHAL!

Praying to humans that lived 80,000 years ago
doesn't help anybody!

Being a super-hero is one thing but Tony Stark's a millionaire industrialist. When he comes to Ohio from New York City to attend a business meeting is person, having the board members being mind controlled by a giant 80,000 year old Neanderthal will not do at all. In the interest of the bottom line Iron Man flies to the nearest rooftop and calls out Gargantus for a throw down Ohio style

Not very far away Gargantus stops doing Neanderthal things and despite being 80,000 years old perfectly understands the Armored Avengers words and gets pissed. Finding the city's strongest yet supplest flagpole he nimbly puts the world's greatest gymnasts to shame

Face to face with the mind controlling cro-magnon Stark learns an important lesson about himself

But Iron Man's not so easily swayed and through the same tremendous will that made a defibrillator out of sheet metal and an alarm clock he breaks free from Gargantus's gaze. Through daring and revolutionary advancements in micro-transistors he concocts a brilliant scheme utilizing three hurled magnets he happened to carrying somewhere on his person

Result? 80,000 year old mind controlling Neanderthal meet one thousand nine hundred and sixty three years after the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ magnets. It ain't pretty but super magnets never are.

Wait..? A robot? WHAT!?

This guy is brilliant! Not only does he take one look at a giant Cro-Magnon holding a huge club and realize he's a robot but a quick survey for weather patterns anomalies and one chest beam shot into a cloud later and he's proved it's all due too extra-terrestrials!

Not just any aliens either but aliens far older than our species and with a vested interest in the region of the globe that men call Ohio

Aliens that command uniformity and lack
of individuality enforced by a brutal
throw back to mankind's barbarian origins..
Man this guy fights communism anywhere!

And then that's it basically. He saves the day and gets the steel contracts he came for

And that in a nutshell is Tales To Astonish #40 featuring the much debated Iron Man. Despite all the events in 1963 I doubt the townspeople of Granville, Ohio will ever forget when a giant alien controlled robot Neanderthal from space built huge walls around their entire city and made them worship statutes of said giant Neanderthal. And I doubt they'll forget a certain near death at all times super-hero clad in a Golden defibrillator with huge magnets and drillbits in his fingers just happening to be going there on a business trip and thereby saving them and the rest of the planet. And through history we can forgive ol' shellhead for trampling all over states rights and burrowing under their city walls despite the fact that it's their right to erect huge walls around their city if they choose too.

Well thanks for stopping by!

*News On The March! by Adam Gutierrez

Celebrations Of Nolte

2008-01-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you but outside of my love for John Lithgow there's only one thing that makes me smile twice as broadly- Nick Nolte. Maybe you're not familiar with the star of such films as Farewell To The King and North Dallas Forty so here's a crash course for you:

Amazing right? But that's just Nick now-a-days. There was a time when the actor was actually named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. Now I don't know about you but after seeing this, it's easy to understand why:

The greatest orators in history never needed a microphone. George Whitefield was said to have a voice that could carry over 30,000 people in the 1700's, an age before amplification. To command the attention of thousands is a skill that few have and once in a lifetime, a gravelly barrel of masculinity cames forth from the murky darkness and grants us a rare glimpse into the heart of the sun. And sometimes, it's so brilliant a baritone it drives hot women to get butt naked:

And sometimes you just need the s@*t scared straight out of you to get the proper motivation to win:

But throughout it all there's one thing that remains constant. Nick Nolte can be tender, Nick Nolte can be abrasive. He can scream at you incessantly until all your barriers crumble and you find yourself doing the Charleston and then doing flips straight onto your back:

Or, if you're on the wrong side of the law, he can hunt you down:

So next time you're at the video store ask the friendly clerk where their collection of Nick Nolte masterpieces lie. Get a handful, race home, call your hook-up, order a pizza, turn off your phone and lock your doors, and celebrate with me all that is Nick Nolte.

by Paul Roustan

Thanks for stopping by!

Ask The Experts!

2008-01-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

I believe in the healing power of the written word, specifically in response to a stranger's plea. Guidance from total strangers is important and should be encouraged, that's why I'm excited to present the first in our series of guest Life Coaches that have dug through the mailbag and pulled out a couple universal challenges I think everyone can agree we face on a daily basis. Please join me in welcoming Superfriends Darkseid.

Dear Superfriends Darkseid:

Lately my wife and I have been going through a really rough patch. We don't fight really and there's nothing visibly wrong on the surface but something feels kind of off. Almost like there's no passion anymore. To our friends we have the perfect relationship but to me, I feel like we're playing the roles of husband and wife instead of living them. What do you suggest?

-Stumped In Peoria

Superfriends Darkseid-

One time I made an awesome mix tape for Wonder Woman, but, at the end of the first side, I didn't really know how to start off side B so I made two versions. One, um, ends with 'You Look Wonderful Tonight' by Eric Clapton and side B starts with 'Maggie May' by Rod Stewart but I didn't really know if she likes Eric Clapton so I made another one that ended the first side with 'Crazy On You' by Heart and started off the next side with Mr. Bigg. Should I give her both? Do you think that's too much? I'll kidnap one of the Superfriends and play it for them and see if they think she would like it. DESAAD!! PREPARE THE STARGATE!!

Superfriends Darkseid:

I just don't know where to begin! We've tried everything from school to encouragement but our daughter just will not get motivated! She's almost 28 and still lives in our house and refuses to get a real job or work towards some sort of goal. We are just at our wits end and do not even want to think about what would happen if we kicked her out. I am pleading here, what should we do??

Befuddled in Cincinnati

Superfriends Darkseid-

I wrote a one act play for Wonder Woman during the summer. It takes place in a volcano and there's, like, a chorus of pandas and you could do it in a black box but it works with a full set too and I think it's really cool. I want to show it too her but I think it would totally freak her out. Do you think she likes plays? Maybe I should kidnap one of the Superfriends and have Kalibak put it on for them and see if they think she would get freaked out. I get so weird around her sometimes, you know. DESAAD!! PREPARE THE STARGATE!!

Well that ends this Life Coaching Edition of Robot Face. Thanks again for stopping by and please stop back soon when Half Naked Sean Connery will come by with a few tales of wit and wisdom. Cheers!

Gift Cards from the STARS!!

2008-01-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone and Happy New Year! Nothing assures me of a calender event like a gift card from a loved one. PLease feel free to share some of these celebrity gift cards with your loved ones!

30 SECOND RECAP ISB CHAMPIONSHIPS!

2008-01-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

What would you do with just One More Day? I think I'd get in a jet, race to King's Island and ride every rollercoaster they have then shoot over to Hanna Barbara Land and get my picture taken with Huckleberry Hound and Barney Rubble. Or I could bitch and whine at my own out-of-character ineptitude that put my loved ones in mortal danger to begin with and trade up my marriage to a supermodel for some good home-cooked wheatcakes served by a wrinkled hand speckled with liver spots. Inspired by Chris Sim's hilarious blog at www.the-isb.com that recently hosted it's 3rd Annual Contest, I hope you enjoy Robot Face's 30 Second Recap of Spider-man One More Day.

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY!